words
cw: suicide and self-harm
i dont want to be alive anymore. i'll succumb to my fever and die. i dont care anymore i can't take ita nymore. i have no reason to live i have no purpose in this life. every passing day drags me farther down my spiral of self-hatred and i cannot bear to live like this anymore. i am a passive suicidal idealist. i do not like the concept of me dying to my own hands, let alone another person's. id rather just be taken by nature, in my sleep or however she deems necessary.
i idealize myself dying, hoping and praying in reincarnation so i know what to do next time but in truth, it's jujst wishful thinking. there is nothing beyond death but an empty void. i will be one with this void, devoid of any consciousness that proves my existence. my excistence will be wiped from this ear5th due to my own actions and i have no one to blame but myself. i no longer feel human, and i have never felt human, nor have i truly felt accepted or welcomed in society. i've come tyo terms with this fact, as it makes me me, but it does hurt to see people flawlessly encorporate th4emselves into society, while i struggle to find my place no matter where i am. i have no reason to speak or think highly of myself; i am a fraud.
i do not see a future for me anymore. i am 16 years old with nothing to my name. i have no skills or attributes that allow me to stand out, and i have no worth on my friend's lives. i liuve day to day relying heavily on routine, imagining fake scenarios to distract me from the life that i am living. i pretend that college will be a fresh start, and i will make it, but its a slim chance. no colleges want a liability on their hands, and no college would wanr a person like me, scum of the earth.
i wish you were still here