introspection
cw: mentions of suicide
it is the first week of august and i am still not over him. oh my god i need to move on this shit isn't funny anymore. everything just reminds me of him i thoought mercury retrograde was over hello:???????where is libra in venus likterally almost my entire chart is ruled by libra i was wrong sowwy... im crying bruh. i cant remember i was last obsessed w this las year and now all i remember is libra rising aqua moon libra sun bye!
the silence is deafening, the loneliness is settling in. i have finally awoken from my desired, unpredictable imagination of my ideal life and future to realize that my rose-colored glasses have begun to shatter. at the time that i am writing this (spread over 3 days....hoping to publish this today, aug 11), my first day of senior year is tomorrow. usually, it never meant that much to me, but everythung feels undeniably real. i can no longer hide behind the lie of 'oh i'll have it all figured out later,' as now is the later that all versions of myself shared. freshman year, sophomore year, junior year especially, would all be ashamed of how i turned out.
i do this for my carefree freshman year self. i do this for my miserable sophomore year self. i do this for my courageous junior year self. and now i will finish senior year for the version of myself who thought he'd never live past 16. i think him leaving really did mess up my psyche, but through this, i'm able to learn more about myself. i really do want him to come back, not even as a lover, but even as a friend. he was my bestest friend, even though it may not have been mutual. i don't throw the word favorite out much, but he was my favorite person. my best friend, my sweet bo9y,, my favorite person. oh how i miss him! he was truly the reason i kept on living. i don't want to live anymore. i have little to no hope for the future.
college was supposed to be an escape from my suffocating family, disillusioned by a chance to restart fresh with a new identity. even the thought of college sends me over the edge now, as i now find it hard to believe i will live a happy, fulfilling future. i've never been so scared. it feels like i have wasted away my entire life building towards a fickle future, one that fades just as fast as it is conceived. i am no longer comforted by the thought of college, but rather frightened. i so desperately want to get out of this house, but i know for certain i'll never take the steps towards it. i want to get into college. i want to get into my dream college. i want to flee the cage that is my hometown. but i know deep down, i have never wanted anything this bad.
i don't think any of my friends like me. i think this summer has isolated me from the world much more thsn last summer, and i think my friends are no longer able to put up with me. i have become more avoidant, more curt, more "angsty", more. even i cant handle myself sometimes. i lament in the melancholy of my thoughts, believing that my friends truly don't like me anymore. maybe im blowing thngs out of proportion, but i can understand why they think this. i no longer hop on calls with them, i seldom have full length conversations with them, and i'm more snappy, confrontational with them. i can see from their side, and i wouldn't be able to put up with me either. i feel as if i don't belong anywhere anymore. i don't like this feeling. i so despertely want to make new friends, become closer with my pre-existing ones, but all these attempts are futile, as i continue digging myself farther into the hole that i claim is for self defense. i don't want to be vulnerable with anyone ever again.
i might be a lesbian.