i don't want to grow up
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obligatory summer update because i go back to school in 3ish weeks. maybe like next week though cause i have to help with a school event? i don't know, i haven't been emailed any dates yet. it's my senior year, and if i told my junior year self about how im feeling he'd think i were possessed or something. its funny how much things change in the span of a few months. i really need to work on living in the moment instead of sulking about the past or worrying about the future, although i find it hard for me to think about anything other then the future or past.
i've worked a total of 3 days over the entire summer, but i'm more happy than upset. being a camp counselor is genuinely not for me, and this experience has made this fact glaringly obvious. i cannot do anything if im forced to come up with something on the spot, and working with kids wouldn't be so hard if i were just more social. all my issues stem from the fact that i am terrified of social interaction, choosing to stay with tried and true and childhood friends that i trust. as mjuch as i want to meet new people and be friends with them, there is a nagging feeling in my body that tells me im just embarrassing myself. also half of my coworkers or majority idk i forgot literally go to my highschool but whatever i actually dont????? even care bruh. i'm actually getting paid for this job, which is a relief. i would've been fine without being paid, instead receiving community service hours, but i am getting paid. kian go make that bank helll yessssss. i thought it was only $10 a day but its actually $14.30/hour so holy crp? its like lower than minimum wage but does it look like i care? cause i DON'T. i'm still making money. i made a decent amount of money + money from the government from my last job so guess who'sgoing on a shopping spree soon!
sometimes i am a little upset i chose this summer camp instead of the one being overseen by city government, but whatever. it's a learning experience. i think i;m more upset over the fact that the one im working for right now has me on sub status half the time while the other already had a set schedule for me. i would've been able to get more hours through the latter, but it's quite far from my house. i don't want to both or inconvenience anyone to drive me to my work place, so the place i'm currently at is fine. it's near my moms workplace so she can drop me off and i can drive with her home. speaking of hours i'm actually getting my hours through volunteering at the hospital thankfully. i'm no longer rotting in bed all day and i actually am being productive so bless.
i'm working this week at camp and if im beijg completely honest, that place overhwelms me so much, and really accentuates how lonely and asocial i am. when i was working there last month, i was always early or the first person there, so i'd be sitting waiting for kids and oh my god it was so embarrassing for me because i knew no one and i didn't know how to play sports. i am more artistically inclined--not to toot my own horn--so i actually detest sports its not even funny im sorry. i also dont know how to play gaga ball so what the fuck??? i guess. anyways mornings were so embarrassing im scared of everyone but i get paid so whatevr. its only 4 more days of this and i no longer ever have to worry about matters like this anymore.
i'm excited for next week. i'm actually hanging out with my friend group and we're going to the beach. summers in california are okay, but heatwaves are the death of me. i know other states have it worse, but i just can't with the heat. i was hoping to escape to the pnw or east coast for college so i wouldnt have to put up with cali weather, but whatever. summer update over. i love you all.