burying the hatchet
you are the biggest fucking coward i have ever met, even more cowardly than me and that's saying something. hi guys kian's less than a w3eek get back together with his ex situationship husband love of his life over. woke up blocked on everything roblox pinterest spotify AURBUDS. you name it. i only gained the courage to block him on all other socials im done. i'm forcing myself to move3 on i don't want to be shackled by what ifs and i want to realize that we were never going to be anything.
it has been a week since i was blocked on everything and as much as I try to distract myself with anything and everything its always the same routine: run back to insta, check if i'm blocked, and stalk your friends accounts. i have blocked you on everything else, deleted your number but didn't block (if i remembered it i would), and blocked your friends for good measure. i do not want to hear of you, see you, or think of you for any longer. to say i'm pissed is an understatement, i'm fucking upset. not only was i lied to, but i was led on once more by false promises, meaningless spiels from a liar. so much for you are all i want, just take your shitty excuses and get away from me.
it really does hurt, and i hate pretending that it doesn't and downplaying it as a joke. i lost both my best friend and "love of my life" in the span of a day, and i couldn't even say anything. both times the breakup was initiated by you, and i couldn't even get a say in it because you didn't have anything else to say to me. such a lazy and inconsiderate response, you are so up in your head that you don't realize how your own actions affect others. you jump from relationship to relationship, hoping to find someone to fill the void in your soul and you just so happened to stumble upon someone who was willing to devote their entire being and autonomy to you. someone who was willing to diminish everything that made them them just to fit into your narrative. you don't care about how yoour actions affect other people, only doing something once it infringes on your freedom and will. you claim that no one understands you but you just want someone who was willing to overlook every single flaw of yours, and i was stupid to play into it. im stupid for believing that everything you told me was new and not recycled from your last failed attempt. i'm so very stupid for believing every single lie you fed me, lapping at my own gaping wound inflicted upon me by none other than you.
my world came crumbling down in april. i began rebuilding it from the remnants of my dream. clumsy hands and a mind still set on a bright future constructed a make believe fantasy where i could escape from forces of grief banging on the walls of my castle. i rebuilt my walls up so high, reinforced it with cannons, and draped beautiful, flowy banners, welcoming anyone who was willing to cross a jittery bridge, barely hanging above a moat of alligators. you made it across the bridge confidently, and i welcomed you back with open arms. it is june, and i find myself in the same crumbling city of my dreams, lacking a drive to rebuild. i sit with my memories, torn banners laying around, wind howling through my deserted city.
you really destroyed me, and its funny. the me 3 years ago wouldn't have believed any word i say about you. i'm not a saint, nor am i a good person, but i will take this as a learning experience. i've always been afraid of the future, as i was never supposed to make it this far. i am 16, going on 17, and i don't even see a future for me beyond 18 years old. i have been depressed (not diagnosed, more of a feeling) and less like myself since i was 9, and this feeling only grows stronger as the years go. i've been able to tame these feelings, dwindling them down to something more palatable, but in return, the moment my distractions disappear, these feelings hit like a truck, coming back full force and engulfing my being in shame and guilt. reading no longer helps, studying no longer helps, doing things that bring me joy no longer helps, as i do not see a future for me. making it to 18 will be a miracle, and i pray to whoever is up there please let me figure it all out. being in a relationship with you was my genuine saving grace, as i had something to strive towards. a future with someone that i could see, reach, and feel. i did my best in my studies, pushed my limits, all just so that i could be yours. i finally had a sense of self. i knew what i wanted and how to achieve it.
i've always lived in the past or future, never the present. this entire relationship made it known. this is definitely an area i can improve upon though. i desperately want a future where i am happy that i lose track of where i truly am, painting hypotheticals and what-of scenarios in order to reassure me even the tiniest bit, that it will all work out in the future. i think this is what has made me a boring person. i no longer indulge in things that interest me, instead steadfastly focusing on my studies to the point where i have ddestroyed the true me in order to pander to a false version of myself. the future truly is unknown, so i make sure to do my best to ensure it will all go well for me, leading to a disconnect from even my closest friends. i'll get into more interests over the summer. i don't have anything to worry about anymore (besides my job and summer plans)
in my head i am already painting you as a villain just to get over you. its all funny, really. i love you so much that i cannot bring myself to hate you organically, so i must resort to these methods in order to get over you. i'm almost certain you broke up with me both times to get with someone. is that farfetched to say? absolutely not! i don't care how mean i get now talking about you because you just piss me off. you dated so many people in order to distract yourself from your feelings for me, and it's really sad to think about it. you desperately brush it off but it just makes you a sick and shitty person. so many people poured out their hearts and souls for you, yet you treated it like a game, a distraction. i hope it bites you back. am i your first ex to be blocked on everything? i hope so. i would've loved to be your first anything.
never will i regret loving you, but forever will i regret destroying myself for you.
fuck you nolan. i hope aaron treats you better.