guilt and shame
cw: mention of suicide
this is a short one, this was the only thing on my mind during church. i don't like talking qbout shit like this too often but journal helps a ton with my terrible self-esteem issues and whatever. just a weekish ago i almost broke down in church for the 2nd time, which is really crazy cause i don't display emotions like that practicallyu ever. i'm more of a happy-going presenting person, so crying in front of people it just not my thing. sorry!
july 4th, 2026 i planned my suicide. i moved the date to july 7th because i was a coward, but guess whos still here. i don't knwo what happened during that week, as i was just fine a few days ago. it's tiring cyclign through every emotion in the book, as i always end up ricocheting between insanely happy (mostly due to being distracted) and insanely emotionally volatile. everything has been setting me off recently, and i've felt angrier than usual. i don't see a point in living anymore, i feel as if im just a walking talking corpse. i no longer have that drive in me that the boy last year had, and i'm already just struggling to get by. i am scared of dying by my hand, yet i think every night that i would be fine if i died in my sleep. its a scary thought, but i don't see any more meaning in being alive anymore. college was supposed to be a refresh, a new start, but im not so sure about that anymore. my grades are spectacular, i don't stand out from a crowd. college costs an arm and a lag, especially if you're out of state, so my dream looks farther than usual. i want to freely express myself and my identity, but the longer i am in this household, the more my feelings of self-deficiency and hate towards myself grow and fester.
i went on a tangent, this entry was supposed to be about my preentation to people. anyways.
i've always expressed myself through art and as a happy person, but this facade has slowly been slipping. i've found myself more attuned to drawing as of recent, treating it as a retreat from reality. i never allowed myself to show anger or rage because i'm not a pretty looking person. i am average at best, but compared to my peers, i'm slightly lower than average. i have no stable sense of self, and given the fact i am a queer teen in a conservative christian asian household i am hardly able to express myself to the degree i wish to. i am allowed to wear masculine clothes, but my mother often looks as me disdainfully. she never says it out loud, but i'm not stupid. i'm an understanding and empathetic person (or so i'd like to believe), so i understand where she's coming from. i still won't stop from expressing who i truly am, hence why i seek out refuge through the internet.
i've always felt aligned to the character archetype of fridge protecting the food and its truly horrible. over the summer, i've worked on deconstructing my patriarchal male centered viewpoint, introducing myself to new societal theories and overall working on my tunnel vision of the world. i hope to express my anger more outwardly, but i am restrained by the perception of other people and what i have been told throughout my childhood. i want to be perceived as a nice person, but i cannot keep this persona up forever. i'm fine with being shy, but i refuse to be a doormat. i've found myself more critical of others who show the same traits that i hate in myself god this is a mess SORRY. i've never been open to showing any other feelings besides happiness to people because i always associated showing uglier feelings to being pretty or well liked, so when someone like me expresses these emotions theres no net to catch me.
sorry this is a mess i have nothing else to say on this. maybe ill get something together soon.