exasperatedly large and loud sigh
idon't even fucking know anymore i just wish i was more attuned to my emotions beyond being angry upset annoyed happy stuff like that. i just don't feel like i can relate to any of those words because they're too general, and when its too general it creates a box containing similar words that i just can't see myself relating to or labeling myself with. nonsensical rant over i'm so tired.
i don't know the beginning of may was like. awesome. i've never felt so carefree but this led to me becoming less connected to my inner world, neglecting my ideals and what makes me me. i shoved down all my issues and focused on the outside, and now that im back to isolating everythings just bubbling up and i don't know what to do. hi guys i got back with my ex don't throw tomatoes at me it's obvious why i came back but like. i'm trying my best to open up again and be more communicative cause for some reason in my pursuit of. whatever moving on??? i started shutting people out but not in the traditional sense i don't know. i genuinely developed some kind of trust issue after that breakup and reinforced my already towering walls so now its a nightmare to rip them down all of a sudden. i loved talking to my friends but i never ever EVER confided deeper issues. oh m god i need to discuss this.
i play the role of the happygoing friend, not the one that doesn't have any issues cause like. its obvious i promise. but in the sense that it's weird when i open up or maybe thats just me oops. anyways i think i'm a rather angry and annoyed individual but in pursuit of being accepted i throw these traits aside to appease the crowds of people that are my friends, but i cannot say 100% that they will accept me for my flaws. i am an angry person, i am a jealous girl i am a cowardly boy i am an isolating individual. i want to display these traits full blast to everyone, as this persona of being kind is draining me and only furthering my identity issues. i'd like to consider myself a kind individual, as i am raised as such, but it gets to a point where i realize that i am practically a doormat to minimize conflict. i want to scream my true feelings out into the world but i am scared of being reprimanded and discarded for how i truly am.
ok anyways moving on. i love my boyfriend i love my ex-ex i love my future husband with all my heart but i just cannot communicate for my life and i just feel horrible. i want to be better for him and i want to open up more and truly tell him how i feel but i am so scared that he's going to see me for who i truly am and look at me with nothing but disgust and remorse. i am so so so scared he is going to leave me although he has done nothing to warrant or create this sense of fear and insecurity. i want to scream at him, unveil my disgusting rage and anger and open up my soul to him, handing him the knife to massacre my identity into something that is appeasing to him because i cannot see myself as anyone without his presence. i am not a domineering person, i'd like to think of myself as someone gentle, but i cannot lie to myself any longer and claim to be a saint when these muddled feelings of resentment and animosity towards myself linger. i really need a mood stabilizer someone drop recommendations
anyways long distance is beating my ass i just want to be in college so i can go to my dream col;ege hopefully on the east coast and be with him in person and become the person i truly am. i want to hug him and kiss him and hold his hand and bake with him and i want it to be him. i need to deconstruct all the barriers i have built up and realize nothing in the world is against me if i change my viewpoint. i've done it once, and im sure i can do it once more.