angel
it has officially been 1 week since the love of my life and i decided to break up and it is the 6th year in a row where i stay up staring at my ceiling wondering about what ifs and what we could be.
i have sent a billion unsent messages and i have been writing about you on anonymous confession sites. i have been spending more and more time on r/breakups so that i can cope with this loss one way or another. our shared pinterest boards have been collecting dust, and it really is funny. even before we dated, we still saved lovey-dovey pins (i mean it makes sense honestly i thought we were dating before this) to the board and made no mention of it. tiktok has been a hellhole for me. everytime i see your reposts, i am filled with the worst sense of dread as my stomach drops to the floor. everyone deals with grief differently, but you seem so unfazed, almost as if this relationship never mattered to you. you seem as if you've moved on already and its pissing me off. i couldn't have been that disposable, but maybe everything you've told me has been recycled from your last failed attempt. its really sickening i feel really sick thinking about how this was my first relationship and i'm just another one of your attempts. i wish you knew what you wanted. i wanted to help you but you just shut me out. i dont even care if im painting you in a bad light anymore i need to be heard. i've been brushing off this entire situation as if i'm not affected but the truth is i've been holding back tears every single night because once i'm alone, i can't ever stop thinking about us and everything that went wrong. i am a real person, not just a doll or your plaything that you can discard once you feel like it. i have feelings and emotions and aspirations. i hope i haunt you.
i still have so much to say on this matter but it will fall upon deaf ears. as much as i want to beg on my knees, clinging onto the only person who brings me peace and autonomy without making it seem as if i'm alien, i've come to terms with the fact that i will have to move on, and this won't last forever. we were too different, but i wouldn't mind crushing myself and minimizing everything about myself so that i was an easier pill to swallow. i wouldn't have minded you telling me to change myself because i would. i just dont understand it at all. i would've changed everything and anything about myself if you just asked me to. if you weren't ready for this relationship you should've just fucking told me on your birthday. i hate this so much.
i'm actually still really heartbroken about this dude FUCK. no cause i genuienly planned a future with this guy. i know it sounds terrible and its an awful plan but like you gotta do what you gotta do to survive YOU KNNNOWWWWWWWWW. i take my studies seriously yes but it all feels routine, like i'm supposed to be doing this and it just gets tiring. i never had anything true that I wanted to work towards, but he really was my saving grace. he made me realize that maybe life wasn't too bad and i just had to keep going. i realized that i had true dreams and aspirations in life because i'd be able to have a life with him.
4 months in we were already talking about our plans for the future. its all silly, really. we both lived in some kind of fantasy world, but it was our fantasy world. i've neever been the most stable person but i actually felt as if i had some kind of. vigor and drive instilled in me because i wanted it to be him. i wanted to grow up together with him by my side. i wanted to live with him in an apartment in the busy city of new york. i wanted to leave my old life behind and discard everything just to start a new one with the one i treasure the most. i wanted to wake up by his side with the sun shining through the window propped open in our apartment. i wanted to live a life with him and our pets and cook dinner with him and that shit dude. i just wanted it to be him so bad but i guess its fuck me over april or something
i just got a discord notification whilst writing this and ran to check oh my god i just miss him so much. we aren't even no contact we're on. something i dont know were on ok terms....but its awkward as hell I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY BEST FRIEND DUDE GTFO. ever since i met him i've always oscillated between loving him and devoted to him until the end of time and hating his guts because i'd see him online and take forever to respond. the entire cycle is repeating i feel like a damn ouroboros dude its so tiring. he's literally my childhood best (???) friend too. i dont even think he sees me as his best friend but whatever. if you see this you were my best friend. he always says im his favorite person in the world but would you really treat your favorite person like this? would you deliberately ignore them instead of communicating with them? i understand its awkward as hell given were only friends now and we have to go our separate ways but at least give me the grace of telling me that you don't wanna stay in contact anymore instead of leaving me in the dark?? you always had something to say what happened to your drive. ugh its all too stressful i miss him so much please come back to me i still really want a future together
if we somehow mend this gap and were still friends by my birthday i'm dropping the act. i'm telling you about how i feel and everything. i don't think i'll ever lose feelings for you no matter how much i try to heal. you'll always be a part of my life and thats what really hurts. i'll always be thinking about what went wrong no matter what. i hope my academics don't take a dive because of this.
pleasecome back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please cpme back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come baack please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back please come back i still love you
can you call me your angel and tell me you love me one more time