lets do it again

14 Jul, 2026

july 4, 2026 hi nolan. i hope you're doing well. i assume you know why you're receiving this email¹. i don't want to startle you or anything, but i hope you're doing better than before. i hope you have started going back to therapy and i hope you are surrounded by more loving, caring friends that you can open up to. i still do care for you, despite everything that has happened between us. you are still the best person i have met, and i don't think that'll change anytime soon. i acknowledge how selfish i am trying to reach out when we're both(?) trying to move on, so if any of this makes you uncomfortable, please just disregard this email and ignore it completely.

for the past week, i've been thinking about what i've wanted to say to you, in case i do actually get a 5 on my ap tests. when i was writing my ap rewards, i wrote allof it on a whim. the day seemed too far, and i had very little hope in myself. now with the day drawing closer, i am brought back to reality. in my head, i wanted to prove myself worthy of your love and companionship, so i made it my goal to prove how certain i was of you in my future. i wwas willing to wait for you, helping you through uncertainty and through thick and thin. i'm terrified of thhe future, but i was willing to take tiny steps with you in order to pave a pathway to the dream we both shared. in the scenario thhat i managed to scrape alonga 5 on any of my tests, i always envisioned myself emailing you a rushed, yet succint i miss you email with my score attached. i still think about what you said to me last month before going completely no contact, and i've come to the realization that you're completely correct about me, and have always been. i am all bark no bite, living in an idealized future driven by what-ifs and hypotheticals that only exist in a perfect world. i've definitely changed for the better (or for worse) ever since we've last talked, but i still do think about the last message you sent. it remains in my deleted album, but every so often, i restore it to take one more glance at it. its the last proof of your existence in my life, after all.

i miss you so much. i miss you every waking moment of my day. i miss you at work, i miss you at home, i miss you at church where you're the only person on my mind. i worshipped you like a god, because you were my god. i'm not a religious person, but i was willing to devote my entire being to you. i miss you when im out with friends and i miss you when im alone in my room. i miss you when i'm listening to music and jonny just so happens to start playing and i miss you even more when i am unable to listen to music because everything just reminds me of you. i miss you when i sit and have dinner with my family and i miss you to an unspeakable degree when i get into arguments with people close to me or start feeling even the slightest bit of annoyance and resentment towards my friends. i have thrown myself into new worlds of experiences all in an attempt to get you out of my mind and to move on, but it's all useless because at thr end of the day, the only thing i remember was how happy you made me. i miss you even more knowing that you were one of the only people that liked me more than my brother. you were the only person i never had to share with my brother. you were the only person who has made me feel comfortable for who i truly am, the only person i willingly opened up to. i miss you so much nolan.

you are truly one of the kindest, most compassionate people i have ever met. you're always willing to speak your mind, especially when anything feels off or wrong. i have never met you in person, but i have never doubted your ability to light up a room or in your ability to help people feel seen and heard, just like you have done for me. you are so loved by everyone around you, and i hope you can learn to trust in your friends more and gradually communicate more often about any issues you have with them directly. the 6 years that we have been friends for was the happiest i've ever been, and i'd do anything to experience it all over again, even if it meant that it would end the same every time.

i do hope that you're doing well. i hope that you're moving on and faring better than i am. i'm trying to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer in my life, but i just can't seem to get you out of my head. this email isn't supposed to seem like im begging for you to come back, but i wouldn't mind if it were to be read like that. this email is moreso a way to express my feelings once and for all, just to get everything out there. no matter what happens, please know that i still care about you, a lot actually. i hope you achieve everything you've ever wanted in life and much more. i hope you live out your dreams as a voice actor, police officer, criminal justice specialist, what ever it is that your heart desires. i hope everything goes well in the future for you. i miss you a lot. you were my best friend. please just tell me you hate me.

i only ever threw muself into all those things because you were into those things. i tried to embody you to placate my feelings of longing and envy, but i only ended up with a gross caricature of someone who meant the world to me and a boat load of identity issues.

never ended up sending this, and opening up my notes app to reread this just makes my heart ache even more. while i was writing this, i ended up posting a whole lot of bullshit on anonymous letter sites, not limited to but including: ami still your angel with jonny attached and should i break no contact. in reference to the latter, i got a yes, a no, and a somewhat vague one.

to be fair, i'm really upset with my scores. i'm over the moon that i even got a 4 on ap lang, as i am not the strongest writer by any means, but its embarrassing to get a 4 on apes, given the fact i flaunted how easy the test was. now i'm just in over my fucking head and have made a fool of myself but whatever i don't care anymore its been a while (started writing this on july 4th.........its been 10 days bye). i'm more so upset with the fact that i correlated getting 5s = proving myself as smart and capable of giving us a good future, so now that i got 4s across the board everything has gone to shit and i'm back to waves and waves of self doubt.

this is all i had to say. i just needed to get all of this off my chest. i'll post more updates this mont.h.

#summer